LATE NIGHT CANADA
August 6, 2026
Well, Donald Trump appeared in Las Vegas this week...
and people immediately noticed something different about him.
He was speaking in complete sentences...
Nah, just kidding.
No, he wasn’t dressed like Elvis...
Oh wait, he actually was in one of his AI posts on Truth Social.
His hair.
It was... fuller.
A lot fuller.
So full that people online immediately started wondering if Trump was wearing a wig.
I want to be clear, I’m not wig-shaming here.
Wigs can be great. Lots of cool people wear wigs.
And if they’re cool, nice, and not actively trying to destroy democracy...
we don’t make fun of those people.
Otherwise...
It’s a simple rule.
Now, to be clear, nobody has confirmed that it’s a wig.
It could be his real hair.
It could be extensions.
“I got a weave.”
It could be East Wing Ballroom renovations...
Maybe it’s a personal bomb shelter.
“Sir, there’s a serious threat. We need to get you to your Situation Bangs!”
...
Trump introducing a suspiciously full head of hair at 80 is a bold move.
Which you can admire him for. You know, he went and found someone to fix his hair...
but word is he hired the same people that worked on the Reflecting Pool.
During that same speech, Trump turned his attention to Canada...
and said...
“Canada’s nasty. They’re nasty.”
Canada.
Nasty.
Sir...
our national scandals involve making sure DoorDash menus are bilingual.
Calling Canadians nasty is particularly strange because Trump’s complaint is essentially that we’re not buying enough American stuff anymore.
That’s not nasty.
That’s shopping.
We aren’t storming the border.
We’re standing in Canadian Tire squinting at the label going...
“Where was this toaster made?”
Because Canadians aren’t nasty.
We’re passive-aggressive.
There’s a difference.
Nasty is yelling at your neighbour.
Canadian nasty is saying...
“Interesting place to put your garbage bins.”
Which will destroy them emotionally for six months.
Meanwhile, in slightly more concerning Canadian news...
a Canadian intern working at NATO’s military headquarters in Belgium has been arrested on suspicion of espionage.
Belgian prosecutors say the intern is suspected of spying for a third country and participating in a criminal organization.
She’s currently in custody, and officials have not publicly identified which country she’s accused of spying for.
First of all...
a spy intern?
I didn’t realize espionage had internships.
What was the job listing?
“Exciting entry-level opportunity in international intelligence.
Must be proficient in Excel...
PowerPoint...
and pretending you weren’t looking at that.”
Imagine being the other interns.
You’re spending your summer updating NATO’s SharePoint...
and Jennifer is apparently bringing down the Western alliance.
The Canadian government says the allegations are serious and it wants to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again.
That’s probably a good goal.
Maybe next year’s NATO internship application could include...
“Are you currently spying for another country?”
Just put a little checkbox.
You’d be surprised what people admit to on paperwork.
And finally...
Nova Scotia has welcomed an extremely rare two-coloured lobster named Oscar.
Oscar is split almost perfectly down the middle...
one colour on one side...
another colour on the other...
and the odds of finding a lobster like this are estimated at around one in 50 million.
One in 50 million.
The odds of winning the Lotto Max are better.
Do you know how many regular lobsters you could buy if you won the lottery?
Oscar was saved from becoming somebody’s dinner and is now living at an aquarium.
Which must be an incredible adjustment for a lobster.
One minute you’re facing melted butter...
the next minute you’re an influencer.
We’ve got a show!
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