Well...
Donald Trump has renamed Lake Ontario.
Yep.
On Thursday, Trump signed an executive order directing the U.S. federal government to refer to Lake Ontario as...
Lake America.
Because apparently the trade negotiations collapsed and Trump thought...
“Where’s my Sharpie?”
For the record, Canada is still calling it Lake Ontario.
Because that’s its name.
And...
that’s not how geography works.
That’s how a toddler works.
“MY LAKE.”
No, Donald.
We’re sharing the lake.
“MY LAKE AMERICA.”
Okay, someone get him a Diet Coke.
Trump’s executive order only changes what the U.S. federal government calls it.
So technically...
America has given Lake Ontario a nickname that only some people will use.
Trump previously renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America...
and after signing this order, he actually suggested he might rename the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean next.
Donald...
you know the Sharpies aren’t magic, right?
You can’t just write a different name on something...
The weird thing is...
Lake Ontario isn’t even American or Canadian.
It’s shared.
It’s been there considerably longer than either country.
As Prime Minister Carney stated, it’s named after a Wendat word essentially meaning:
“The lake is beautiful. The lake is big.”
Apparently Trump’s theory is...
if you can’t control something...
rename it until it sounds like you do.
And if you’re wondering whether Donald Trump has the credibility to just start changing the names of geographic features...
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick has reassuring news.
Lutnick told reporters Thursday that Donald Trump is...
and this is the phrase he used...
the “most credible person in the world.”
...
Howard.
You have access to a dictionary.
You’re the Commerce Secretary.
There must be one somewhere in the building.
“Credible” means...
able to be believed.
“The most credible person in the world.”
That’s a pretty big title.
These guys don’t compliment Trump anymore.
They issue papal decrees.
“Donald Trump... most credible man alive.”
“Greatest golfer in human history.”
“Softest hands in the Western Hemisphere.”
At some point Lutnick is going to announce that Trump is...
Time Magazine’s Sexiest Man Ever To Understand Tariffs.
Maybe Lutnick has an entire list.
“Donald Trump is the most credible person in the world...
Bernie Madoff is the world’s greatest financial planner...
the captain of the Titanic was history’s finest iceberg avoider...”
Some compliments actually become less flattering depending on who’s giving them.
If your dentist says...
“You have beautiful teeth.”
Great.
If your hockey coach says...
“You have beautiful teeth.”
The bar is lower, you know?
It’s comparative.
Meanwhile...
Donald Trump may have accidentally accomplished something Canadian prime ministers have struggled with for decades.
He’s making Quebec want to stay.
Donald Trump has somehow become the federal government’s most successful national unity strategy.
Ottawa spent decades trying constitutional negotiations, federalism, referendums, Meech Lake...
turns out all we needed was an unstable American president shouting over the fence.
Parti Québécois leader Paul St-Pierre Plamondon says that if the PQ wins Quebec’s election, it will not hold a sovereignty referendum while Trump remains president.
The PQ still intends to hold one during its first term...
just not before Trump leaves office in January 2029.
St-Pierre Plamondon says something as important as Quebec’s future needs a clear, calm debate without the unpredictability coming from Washington.
Which is fascinating.
It’s like being a teenager planning to run away from home...
then noticing the neighbourhood bully standing at the end of the driveway.
“You know what?
Mom...
what’s for dinner?”
Trump spent years talking about making Canada the 51st state...
and somehow managed to make Quebec go...
“Vive le Canada... pour le moment.”
And Canadians aren’t just protesting politically.
We’re doing it in the most Canadian way imaginable...
quietly at the grocery store.
An Angus Reid survey found 40 per cent of Canadian grocery shoppers now actively check where products come from.
And among those who check...
most say they’ll put an American product back on the shelf and choose something Canadian or from somewhere else instead.
That is an incredibly Canadian form of economic warfare.
No shouting.
No confrontation.
Just...
“Oh.
Made in USA?”
Back you go.
It’s passive-aggressive sanctions.
Some poor jar of American mayonnaise is sitting there thinking...
“What did I do?”
Nothing personally, mayonnaise.
We’ve just decided to see other condiments...
European condiments.
And this behaviour isn’t necessarily disappearing if the trade dispute ends.
The same survey found:
60 per cent say they would avoid American wine, beer and spirits
70 per cent would avoid American dairy
73 per cent would avoid American eggs
Seventy-three per cent!
Sorry, chickens.
Take it up with your president.
Canadians are practicing international diplomacy in the aisles of No Frills.
Because that’s the part Trump may have underestimated.
Trump seems to think trade is something you win by making the other country lose.
But if your biggest customer spends a year learning how not to buy from you...
congratulations.
You won.
...
That’s the strange thing about all of this.
Trump can rename the lake.
Lutnick can rename Trump “the most credible man in the world.”
Trump can call Canada whatever he likes.
But Canadians are quietly making their own decision about what America means to them.
And you can’t Sharpie your way out of that.
Although I’m sure he’ll try.
“Effective immediately...
Giant Tiger will be called Yuge Cat.”
...
To paraphrase Ontario Premier Doug Ford...
Kiss my Canada goose.
We’ve got a show!
