Well...
Donald Trump has come up with a bold new plan to help Republicans win the midterms.
Bribery.
Just...
bribery.
You know, like in the good old days.
Trump told Republicans at their midterm convention in Dallas that if Republicans keep control of Congress...
every adult American will get...
$5,000.
Five grand.
He’s calling it the Trump Dividend.
Which sounds less like government policy...
and more like a Trump scratch ticket.
“Hey! I matched three tiny pink mushrooms... God, I hope those are mushrooms.”
...
And this isn’t Trump’s first venture into...
government cheque enthusiasm.
In 2025...
Do you remember that far back?
Simpler times.
In 2025, Trump enthusiastically backed the idea of taking savings supposedly found by Elon Musk’s DOGE...
and sending each household a cheque for...
$5,000.
Exciting...
I wonder what Americans spent theirs on?
An imaginary vacation?
Maybe an imaginary mortgage payment!
Yeah...
That $5K promise didn’t happen.
Then Trump proposed a $2,000 tariff dividend...
using money supposedly raised by his tariffs.
That didn’t happen either.
And now...
we’re back to...
$5,000!
And you know what?
I really think he’s telling the truth this time.
...
It all seems pretty close to the sort of thing you’re specifically not supposed to say during an election.
Usually politicians at least dress it up a little.
“We’re proposing a refundable middle-class tax credit designed to stimulate household spending.”
Trump’s like...
“Vote for us. Get a bag of money.”
...
The plan could cost somewhere around $1.3 trillion.
Which raises the obvious question...
Where does the $1.3 trillion come from?
And the answer so far appears to be...
...
Next question.
JD Vance suggested maybe rich people wouldn’t get the money...
and tariff revenue could help pay for it.
Sure.
And if that doesn’t work...
check between the couch cushions.
Actually...
please don’t.
We just got it Scotchgard-ed.
THE GREEN LANTERN PRESIDENT
In other news...
The White House has released an AI-generated video of Donald Trump...
as Green Lantern.
Yes.
The official White House.
Not Trump’s weird uncle’s Facebook page.
The White House.
The video shows Trump with the Green Lantern power ring...
using his superhero powers to build a border wall...
bring back American factories...
summon military equipment...
basically everything Green Lantern famously stood for.
...
I don’t remember that comic book.
“Green Lantern Issue #247...
Hal Jordan adjusts the tariff rate on imported aluminum.”
...
One person happy about Trump’s Green Lantern adaptation...
Ryan Reynolds.
Who’s probably quoted as saying...
“See? Mine wasn’t so bad now, was it?”
TRUMP’S HOCKEY ERA
Trump also went on a mad social media posting spree...
that included hockey-themed AI material involving Canada.
Because apparently Canada-U.S. diplomacy has now reached the...
NHL 27 create-a-player stage.
One image showed Trump dressed as an American hockey player...
standing over Prime Minister Mark Carney...
who’s lying on the ice...
while Trump calls him...
“Governor.”
...
Okay.
Someone’s excited about Season 2 of Heated Rivalry.
Mmmmh.
PIERRE POILIEVRE GOES TO AMERICA
Meanwhile...
Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre is in the United States...
appearing on American media...
trying to make the case for Canada.
Poilievre appeared on CNBC in New York Thursday...
arguing that Canada and the United States should return to tariff-free trade...
and work together against larger economic and security threats.
Which creates an interesting situation.
Because at home...
Poilievre’s job is basically to stand across from Mark Carney and say...
“THIS GUY.”
But the moment he crosses the border...
it’s...
“Mark?
Great guy.
We’re all very proud of Mark.”
...
And actually...
when CNBC gave Poilievre an opportunity to criticize Carney...
he declined.
He essentially said he wasn’t there to attack Canada’s prime minister on foreign soil.
And...
good.
That’s how it should work.
We can fight among ourselves.
But when somebody outside the family starts insulting Canada...
suddenly it’s...
“HEY.
Only we get to say Canada is dysfunctional.”
It’s the national equivalent of siblings.
“I hate my brother.”
“Your brother’s an idiot.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY BROTHER?”
...
Poilievre’s message to Americans is essentially...
Look...
Canadians are pissed off.
He said Canadians feel wounded by what’s happened to the relationship.
And that’s probably fair.
For decades Canada thought we had one of the most stable relationships in the world.
Trade...
defence...
NORAD...
NATO...
shared history...
the world’s longest undefended border...
and then suddenly we’re watching an official White House video where the President is Green Lantern...
followed by AI hockey fantasy...
about beating up our prime minister.
...
So now Pierre Poilievre is effectively doing Canadian diplomacy.
Which is fine.
Gets him out of the country, you know?
I just hope it’s okay with Jamil Jivani.
...
We’ve got a show!
