Well...
Good news!
Alberta has decided to stay in Canada!
Albertans voted in a referendum on whether to begin the process of separating from Canada.
And about 76% voted...
Yeah No.
Now, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith says she’s pleased with the result.
Which is interesting... and a little disingenuous, I think.
Because she’s the one who called the referendum.
It’s like giving your high school boyfriend or girlfriend a Cootie Catcher to decide whether or not you should break up.
You know?
It feels like you’d be cool with either answer.
Of course, the Alberta separatists aren’t giving up.
Despite losing by a margin of about three to one... they say they’ll continue their efforts.
Just another example of that American Can Do attitude!
Speaking of people who won’t take no for an answer...
Donald Trump is talking about making Canada the 51st state again.
At a rally in Kansas, Trump said that if Canada joined the United States, he would generously allow us to keep hockey...
AND our national anthem.
O Canada.
But it would become our state anthem.
How kind.
This is like having the most obnoxious drunk in the bar telling you you can go home with him.
...
There’s no joke here.
Just eeew, never.
Weirdly, Trump’s been expressing his appreciation of men’s bodies lately.
At a rally in North Carolina, Trump described Senator Jon Husted by saying:
“I looked at his ass, and then I looked at his legs, and my — I said, ‘His ass is like, it’s like a pile of muscle.’ Then I looked at his legs, and I said, ‘Man, his feet are big.’”
...
First of all...
Does Trump think feet start at the hips?
Secondly, is Trump the US’s first openly gay president?
Which would be absolutely fine...
Well, the gay part, not the Trump part.
...
Somewhere Pete Buttigieg is saying, “Come on!”
There may be some truth to this, though.
Maybe Trump thinks the T in LGBTQ+ stands for Trump.
“It’s right there in the name!”
And finally...
Thousands of passengers aboard Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas booked what they thought was going to be a lovely seven-night cruise to Florida and the Bahamas.
Sunshine.
Beautiful beaches.
Palm trees.
But because of severe weather... the cruise company had to change the itinerary.
So instead of visiting the sunny Bahamas...
They’re coming to...
HALIFAX!
...
In October.
...
Imagine that announcement.
“Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately, because of severe weather, we will no longer be visiting the Bahamas.”
“Awwwww.”
“Instead, we’re going somewhere even MORE exciting!”
“Ooooooh!”
“NOVA SCOTIA!”
...
“When you say severe, how severe are we talkin’?”
...
These poor people packed sunscreen, bathing suits, flip-flops...
And now they’re standing on the Halifax waterfront buying a fleece with a lobster on it.
...
That’s not a vacation.
That’s a Canadian citizenship hazing.
...
You book a week in the Bahamas.
You end up in Halifax in October.
That’s like ordering a piña colada...
And being handed a double-double and a windbreaker.
...
Now, to be fair, Halifax is a beautiful city.
Lovely people.
Wonderful restaurants.
Fantastic scenery.
But if you’ve been dreaming about lying on a beach in the Caribbean...
A brisk walk along the Halifax waterfront is going to be a bit of an adjustment.
Especially when the cruise director says...
“Good news, everyone! We’ve arranged a special excursion to Peggy’s Cove!”
“Can we swim?”
“Not recommended.”
“Can we snorkel?”
“Also not recommended.”
“What CAN we do?”
“Look at a rock.”
WE’VE GOT A SHOW!
