Donald Trump announced today that he’ll slap an additional 50% tariff on many Canadian goods, saying it’s retaliation for Canada taking American alcohol off store shelves, along with ongoing disputes over dairy and automobiles.
So, let’s get this straight.
Trump disregarded his own trade agreement with us...
CUSMA... a trade deal for CUSMA.
He levelled some goofy tariffs at us.
He threatened to make Canada the 51st state.
So, we stopped buying American booze...
And suddenly that’s a bridge too far?
Bridge joke intended.
Remember when Trump honked, “We don’t need anything from Canada”?
Well, Mr. President, you forgot one important thing you apparently do need...
Functioning Canadian alcoholics.
I love that bourbon is apparently the breaking point.
The United States has spent months suggesting Canada is weak, subsidized by America and should become the 51st state...
But now they’re furious because we won’t stock Kentucky’s pumpkin-spice whiskey.
Of course, this is all part of Trump’s attempt to get “a better deal” for the United States.
It’s a fascinating negotiation strategy.
“Join America!”
“No, thanks.”
“Fine... then we’re going to pay more for your wine, hockey sticks, cement and a wide variety of other goods.”
That’s less international diplomacy...
And more Facebook Marketplace.
The tariffs will not apply to oil or gas because...
Of course they won’t.
Speaking of not taking “no” for an answer...
Did you see Donald Trump manage to insert himself into Spain’s World Cup celebrations?
He lingered in the trophy-presentation photos long enough that Spain later released an edited version with him removed.
Even The Guardian photo credit read:
“Gianni Infantino carefully explains to Donald Trump that he is not part of the Spanish national team.”
It was like watching someone’s grandpa wander into the wedding photos.
“No, Grandpa... you’re not in the wedding party.”
Wild.
You know you’ve overstayed your welcome when an entire country Photoshops you out faster than an ex-boyfriend.
And finally...
Trump may have threatened to take over Canada...
But Americans had better sleep with one eye open.
Sleep Country Canada...
🎵why buy a mattress anywhere else🎵
...is buying the American mattress company Sleep Number and says it plans to expand into the United States.
This is how Canada invades.
Not with tanks...
But well-rested, with adjustable lumbar support.
America keeps threatening economic warfare...
Meanwhile, Canada quietly buys the bed it’s sleeping in.
That’s the most Canadian military strategy imaginable.
It’s our own version of liberating a country from a horrible regime.
We’ll win the hearts and minds of Americans...
And relieve their lower-back pain.
We’ve got a show!
