Well, the opening celebration for the new Gordie Howe International Bridge between Windsor and Detroit has been cancelled.
To be clear, the bridge itself is still opening.
We’re just not having a party anymore.
Which may be the most Canadian response to an international crisis imaginable:
“We’ve completed one of the largest infrastructure projects in North America...
…but due to recent tensions, we’ve cancelled the BeaverTails truck.”
The joint Canadian-American ceremony was called off after Donald Trump announced an additional 50% tariff on many Canadian goods.
Apparently, Canada decided it would be inappropriate to celebrate a bridge connecting our two countries...
while one of those countries is actively trying to burn the bridge.
The Gordie Howe Bridge is still scheduled to open to traffic on July 27.
So Canadians will still be allowed to cross into America...
provided we declare all dairy products, alcohol...
and any lingering feelings of friendship and trust.
Intensifying the Relationship
Prime Minister Mark Carney says he and President Trump have now agreed to “intensify” trade negotiations.
Intensify.
That doesn’t sound reassuring.
You intensify a workout.
You intensify a search.
You intensify the flavour of Cool Ranch Doritos.
You don’t usually intensify a healthy relationship.
Nobody comes home from couples counselling and says:
“Oh honey, I’m so glad we’ve agreed to intensify.”
What does intensified trade negotiation even look like?
Are they negotiating while doing squats?
Does Dominic LeBlanc have to argue about softwood lumber while someone sprays him with a hose?
Canadian officials have spent months calmly presenting statistics, trade figures and sections of the existing agreement...
so presumably the next step is putting everything in ALL CAPS:
“AS PREVIOUSLY DISCUSSED, YOU SIGNED THIS.”
Carney said Canada would continue negotiating but would consider all options if the tariffs go ahead.
All options.
That’s diplomatic language for:
“We have a plan, but I swear to God, we’ll send Doug Ford and Danielle Smith to Mar-a-Lago just to hang out.”
Trump’s approach to trade negotiations is fascinating.
He signs a trade agreement...
complains that the agreement he signed is unfair...
imposes tariffs that violate the spirit of the agreement...
then demands a new agreement to protect America from the previous agreement...
which, once again, he signed.
At this point, Canada shouldn’t negotiate another trade deal.
We should just get Trump to sign a birthday card.
He’s good at that.
It’ll be just as legally binding...
and there’s a chance we’ll get twenty bucks.
Trump says Canada needs the United States to survive.
And he may have a point.
Without the United States, who would Canada sell all its lumber, aluminum and energy to?
Someone who pays the agreed price?
We’re not prepared for that kind of relationship.
Canada Discovers Shipping
Meanwhile, Canadian premiers have finally agreed to remove a major barrier to direct-to-consumer alcohol sales between provinces.
Nine provinces have agreed to let Canadians order Canadian alcohol directly from producers in other provinces.
That’s right.
After nearly 160 years of Confederation...
Canada has finally discovered shipping.
Until now, it could be easier for a Canadian winery to send a bottle to another country than to send it across a provincial border.
Because nothing says “one united nation” like:
“Sorry, your Pinot Noir doesn’t have the proper Saskatchewan paperwork.”
Premiers say removing the barriers will improve internal Canadian trade.
Which means Donald Trump’s tariffs have finally convinced the provinces to work together.
So congratulations to the president.
He has achieved what generations of Canadian prime ministers could not...
getting Alberta and British Columbia to share a drink.
Pearson’s $1.5-Billion Escape Room
And finally, Toronto Pearson Airport has announced a $1.5-billion renovation of Terminals 1 and 3.
The airport says the work will modernize the terminals, create more space and make Pearson easier to navigate.
Easier to navigate?
That’s ambitious.
Pearson isn’t an airport.
It’s an escape room where the final clue is your gate number...
and if it changes, they’ll tell you at some point.
The renovations will include expanded terminal space, refreshed lounges, more charging stations and improvements to baggage handling.
More charging stations will be helpful.
Though it does diminish the prestige of sitting on the floor beside one of those columns with the loose outlet.
Pearson says it wants to improve the passenger experience.
Although you’ll still have to determine which of the two simultaneous gate announcements is for you...
and where exactly are these “travelling animals” they keep talking about?
Are we talking about a poodle with a suitcase on a business trip?
Or a group of cats heading to an all-inclusive?
The renovations will apparently make the terminals more modern, comfortable and efficient.
Pearson also plans to improve its baggage systems.
That’s good news.
Currently, checking a suitcase at Pearson feels less like transportation...
and more like releasing an animal into the wild.
You attach a tag, say goodbye...
and hope someone spots it in Manitoba three months later.
Airport officials say the upgrades will allow Pearson to handle more passengers.
Fantastic.
Because the only thing missing from Pearson was...
more people.
And you just know the renovations themselves will make travelling through Pearson easier.
Nothing improves an airport experience like years of construction.
“Welcome to Toronto. Baggage claim is temporarily located in Barrie.”
Still, it’s nice to see Canada investing in infrastructure that connects us with the rest of the world.
Canada is removing barriers everywhere.
Meanwhile, the United States is adding tariffs.
Which means the Canada–U.S. relationship can now be summarized like this:
We built them a bridge...
cancelled the party...
ordered ourselves some wine...
and started looking for flights elsewhere.
We’ve got a show!
