Summer is flying by, right?
While Politics Is Broken and Entertainment Is Broken take a well-earned break (both return in September), I’ve been hard (not that hard) at work putting together Late Night Canada. A fictitious late night talk show in… well, Canada.
People seem to be enjoying them elsewhere (about 80K people watched this one so far) so I thought why not share them here in both video and written form.
So here you go!
Late Night Canada Monologue - 17 July 2026
Well, much of Canada was covered in wildfire smoke this week.
Toronto briefly had some of the worst air quality in the world with the Air Quality Index hitting 11 in some locations.
You know things are bad when they start using the Spinal Tap scale.
The smoke was so thick, even vape shops had to shut their doors.
There are currently more than 850 wildfires burning across Canada, with more than 100 considered out of control.
Out of control?
So that means the 750 remaining wildfires are misnamed, no?
The smoke spread south into the United States, affecting more than 100 million Americans.
And some American politicians are furious with us.
Republicans in Michigan and Ohio accused Canada of failing to manage its forests and threatened sanctions.
Sanctions!
Trump immediately put a 25% tariff on the smoke.
American lawmakers say Canada needs to take responsibility for allowing the smoke to cross the border.
Which is interesting coming from a country whose emissions have been crossing our border for roughly a century.
Canada sends America smoke for a few weeks and suddenly they’re furious.
America has been sending Canada reality television, conspiracy theories and Kid Rock since the 1990s.
The noxious fumes emanating from the Oval Office for the past 10 years have caused lots of headaches here in Canada.
Did you see the terrifying video of the CN railworkers surrounded by flames?
One of them calmly radioed, “Y’all need to hurry up here. Like, seriously, we’re encased in flames now,”
How was that guy so calm??
It was like he was ordering from a Tim’s drive-thru…
“Yeah, I’ll get a Farmer’s Wrap, and a double double. If you can make it quick, I’m encased in flames… oh, almost forgot, and an Apple Fritter please”
Of course, this is a very serious issue and entire communities have suffered tremendous losses
However, there’s also the uncomfortable subject nobody wants to mention...
climate change.
Some politicians are insisting the solution is simply better forest management.
Which is comforting.
Because apparently the planet isn’t getting dangerously hotter...
Canada just forgot to rake Northern Ontario.
Maybe we should try their 2-step climate plan.
Step one: deny climate change.
Step two: complain when climate change reaches your house.
And despite some questionable decisions by various governments, Canada is taking climate action.
We’ve set ambitious emissions targets for 2030.
Which is good...
because at our current pace, by 2030 we’ll be able to cook dinner by holding it near Saskatchewan.
But there was some other environmental news in America this week.
A massive outbreak of cyclosporiasis has been linked to shredded lettuce served at Taco Bell locations in five states.
However more than 30 states have been affected
Leading Taco Bell to say “This one’s not all our fault”
Health officials say the parasite can cause severe diarrhea.
“Severe diarrhea” being the medical term.
“Explosive diarrhea” being the term that gets people to stop eating the lettuce.
Taco Bell has temporarily stopped using the lettuce.
“temporarily”??
Just stop.
But the good news is, Taco Bell is once again safe...
by Taco Bell standards.
The company is now serving its food without contaminated lettuce.
Just meat fired from a caulking gun directly into a tortilla shell.
And finally, a popular pair of wide-legged Zara trousers has gone viral because wearers say they keep tripping over them.
The trousers are now known online as the “Zara death pants.”
Death pants!
Remember when the worst thing clothing could do was make your bum look big?
Now your outfit is actively trying to end you.
The pants are apparently so long and flowing that the fabric becomes tangled around the wearer’s ankles.
Women say they have fallen down stairs, tripped in the street and been caught on escalators.
Which finally answers the question:
What would happen if you dressed like a curtain?
Zara has not announced a recall.
Fashion experts say wearers could solve the problem by having the trousers shortened.
Sure.
But then you just own regular pants.
You paid Zara $65 for the thrill of dressing like a Victorian ghost being sucked into an escalator.
Some people have suggested tying elastic bands around the ankles.
But then you end up with MC Hammer pants
The “death pants” are part of the return of extremely wide-legged trousers.
We finally escaped skinny jeans...
only to discover the alternative is being hunted by our own clothing.
Skinny jeans cut off your circulation.
Wide-legged pants throw you down a staircase.
There is apparently no safe way to cover a human leg.
At this point, the safest summer outfit is an N95 mask, no pants...
and absolutely no lettuce.
We’ve got a show!
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