Stop Worrying About It

I learned the word 'antithetical' for this.

I think it was when I was admitted to hospital in 2018.

It was a very short and brief stay.
They checked me out.
Tested all my things.

Then the doctor stood in front of me in a packed ER and said sternly…

“You’ve just got to chill the fuck out.”

He really said those words.
As far as diagnosis go, it’s a pretty good one to get.

24 hours before that I was convinced I was dying.

Ever since then, sporadically not all the time, I get fixated on when and where “it” will happen.

I worry about inconveniencing others.
The trauma on my family.
The things I wanted to do.
The things I wanted to organize before that day.

Every twinge or ache comes with an inside dread.
A voice that says ‘not here’, ‘not now’.
It’s almost paralysing.
Like if I stay static I will somehow cheat death.

I’ve come to a realization…

I won’t

And

This is a terrible way to live.

Living your life under the fear of death is garbage.
It is antithetical to living.

So, take it easy.
You’re going to die at some point.
That’s fate/god/destiny/the simulation’s problem.
Take calculated risks that will enrich your life.
Do what you can to soften the impact of your expiration on your loved ones.
You can make good, non-destructive choices that will maybe give you a shot at living better and a little longer, but you will not steer clear of dying at some point.

Lest this sound like I’m not healthy, from all recent reports, I’m healthy.
For now.

In life, death is the one thing you shouldn’t waste a second worrying about.
It gets in the way of living.

###