I used to be my own worst enemy.
I would yearn for success or acceptance and then tell myself I didn’t deserve it, I wasn’t worth it, I was fraud, or that I would yet fail again.
That dickish voice would colour every effort I made to be happy.
Until one day, I got sick of it.
I’m no mental health professional and I fully realize that what works for me may not work for you. However, I am compelled to share what HAS worked for me, you know… in case it works for you too.
Confidence is a tricky thing.
Too much can spell disaster. Too little can spell disaster.
That’s a lot of potential disaster. At least it seems that way sometimes.
Trying to find that confidence balance while there’s a voice in your head telling you you don’t deserve success/happiness/acceptance is super tricky.
I went through a period in my early to mid-teens where I was self-confidence personified. It was largely defensive but it got me through. As I approached my late teens things started to change. Suddenly I had this voice, my own voice, in my head constantly shooting me down.
That continued until I was in my mid-20s. Then, as I said, I got sick of it.
I’d had enough. Who was this numbnut in my head who was hellbent on depriving me from being happy or content?
To quote Taylor Swift, “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.”
The realization that I was my own detractor was seismic for me.
Stay with me here…
When I was about five years old I watched a terrifying movie that gave me nightmares until I was in my early teens. Then, when I was about 12, I read somewhere about how you can control and affect your dreams by realizing you’re dreaming and then taking actions in your dream that you planned while you were awake.
Yes, it does sound flaky but… damn, it worked. My recurring nightmares stopped. Not immediately. It took some concerted effort and a few restless nights but it worked. I had confronted my own brain and said “Enough fuckwittery! This is causing problems and it stops now!”
Again, I’m no psychologist and I’m only relaying what worked for me.
Asking for mental health help is good.
Life can be shit, so anything that helps it be less shit is good.
Anyway, back to my anecdotal pseudo-science story…
I took that dream perspective and applied it to the annoying, self-sabotaging voice in my head.
I demanded… err, to myself… that the voice in my head become my hype man, my biggest supporter, my coach, my friend… and damn it, it worked.
It’s not foolproof. I need to tweak it every now and then. Sometimes the voice becomes an amalgam of my Mom or Dad, Victor McDade from Still Game, my Gran, past friends, whatever, but it works.
If the voice in your head isn’t helping you achieve and attain happiness, tell it to change… actually, it doesn’t have a choice. If you want it to, it will change.
The world is full of people who will happily try to bring you down in any way they can and they’ll do it for free.
Be your own Number One Fan. You can do this.
###
I’m 72 and appreciate how important ’self’ awareness and positivity continue to help guide me. Thank you
When I read your blog posts, I often find myself nodding as I read. Today, as I read and nodded, I realized exactly how much these words are relating to my personal journey. As an actress, my self sabotaging speak has been so loud. Instead, I am going to make a better habit and grab my self speak pom poms. Thank you, for the reminder, for expressing yourself so well, for believing in yourself. It's not easy but so damn necessary. Thank you!