HOW TO USE YOUR DAD AS A MEASURING TAPE
or Turning Unhealthy Existential Dread Into Parenting Gold
He old was he then?
He must have been… oh god.
TEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN I AM CURRENTLY.
We have one of those digital screen things on our kitchen counter that displays photos when you’re not asking it to tell you the weather forecast or what temperature a cooked chicken should be.
Since my Dad’s Celebration of Life we’ve had a selection of photos of him and the family throughout his (almost) entire lifetime.
Right from a photo of him and his parents shopping in Glasgow by a street photographer in what would be probably 1954.
All the way up to mere weeks before his death.
It’s been wonderful seeing my Dad at various stages of his life.
It’s also been horrible.
Absolutely fucking horrible.
Yes, yes… he’s dead and that is awful but also not something I need to worry about. He will remain dead regardless of how much or how little I pay attention to that fact.
No, I’m more freaked out by how much I have been using his life as a measuring tape for my own.
For example…
He’s 44 in that picture. He seems happy.
It doesn’t seem that long ago.
Gosh, he seemed fully in charge of everything then.
A real adult.
A real adult with a real job.
What was I doing at 44?
Oh god, I was making videos on my phone and hoping I would have enough money to cover that month’s mortgage.
Anyway…
I do that comparison between me and him all the time.
Everytime I look at the photos.
I compare his successes with my own.
I compare his failings with my own.
I compare his path from healthy young child to frail, disintegrating old man… and I wonder where I am on that path.
It can’t be healthy.
It’s certainly self-centred.
But, then again, maybe it is healthy…
I am, as you may know, Dad to two amazing sons.
They are smarter, better looking, more talented, and generally better versions of me.
As their Dad I have wanted to do what I can to smooth the road of life for them as much as possible.
Of course, I’ve also wanted to impart what little wisdom and experience I have.
You know, play the wise old Dad.
However, as I’ve gotten older I realize that my value to them may be less in what I say and more in how I actually live my own life.
Someone who they’ve watched go on the ride of life ahead of them.
Someone they can use to mimic what I did right and avoid what I’ve done wrong.
I want to be the guy who runs the obstacle course in front of them so they can study how I scaled the wall, ducked under the ropes, and swung to the end.
*Note- the preceding was an analogy, and I can do none of those things… but you get what I mean
Watching my Dad’s life reduced to a slideshow conveniently viewed while making my morning coffee has been the cause of a little existential panic.
Lots of questions pop up…
How much time do I have left?
Have I wasted my time?
Am I doing this right?
And the list goes on.
Those thoughts have recently been dissipating and I realize that I learned how to make my life better, and make life better for all, by watching my Dad live.
If I can do that for my kids, I’m good.
Happy Father’s Day.
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I find it interesting that as a child you see your parents as really old ,really really old when you are a teenager! Then you become 40 and start to be aware that they were just kids when they had you, marched off to war, lost a secure job, bought a house . When you are in your senior years and your kids are in their 40 s and 50 s you really realize how you still see them as the kids and how little you understood your parents in their old age . I’m 80 - my body says I’m 108 my mind says I’m 50 . We do the best we can at the age we are and hope that we don’t judge ourselves or the other generation too harshly. Not sure I am making a lot of sense here. So happy Father’s Day and enjoy your memories.
" I realize that my value to them may be less in what I say and more in how I actually live my own life."
As a mother and a grandmother, this is what I strive for.
#commonsensejournalism ♥♥