Good news!

Alberta has decided to stay in Canada!

Albertans voted in a referendum on whether to begin the process of separating from Canada.

And about 76% voted...

Yeah No.

Now, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith says she’s pleased with the result.

Which is interesting... and a little disingenuous, I think.

Because she’s the one who called the referendum.

It’s like giving your high school boyfriend or girlfriend a Cootie Catcher to decide whether or not you should break up.

You know?

It feels like you’d be cool with either answer.

Of course, the Alberta separatists aren’t giving up.

Despite losing by a margin of about three to one... they say they’ll continue their efforts.

Just another example of that American Can Do attitude!

Speaking of people who won’t take no for an answer...

Donald Trump is talking about making Canada the 51st state again.

At a rally in Kansas, Trump said that if Canada joined the United States, he would generously allow us to keep hockey...

AND our national anthem.

O Canada.

But it would become our state anthem.

How kind.

This is like having the most obnoxious drunk in the bar telling you you can go home with him.

...

There’s no joke here.

Just eeew, never.

Weirdly, Trump’s been expressing his appreciation of men’s bodies lately.

At a rally in North Carolina, Trump described Senator Jon Husted by saying:

“I looked at his ass, and then I looked at his legs, and my — I said, ‘His ass is like, it’s like a pile of muscle.’ Then I looked at his legs, and I said, ‘Man, his feet are big.’”

...

First of all...

Does Trump think feet start at the hips?

Secondly, is Trump the US’s first openly gay president?

Which would be absolutely fine...

Well, the gay part, not the Trump part.

...

Somewhere Pete Buttigieg is saying, “Come on!”

There may be some truth to this, though.

Maybe Trump thinks the T in LGBTQ+ stands for Trump.

“It’s right there in the name!”

And finally...

Thousands of passengers aboard Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas booked what they thought was going to be a lovely seven-night cruise to Florida and the Bahamas.

Sunshine.

Beautiful beaches.

Palm trees.

But because of severe weather... the cruise company had to change the itinerary.

So instead of visiting the sunny Bahamas...

They’re coming to...

HALIFAX!

...

In October.

...

Imagine that announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately, because of severe weather, we will no longer be visiting the Bahamas.”

“Awwwww.”

“Instead, we’re going somewhere even MORE exciting!”

“Ooooooh!”

“NOVA SCOTIA!”

...

“When you say severe, how severe are we talkin’?”

...

These poor people packed sunscreen, bathing suits, flip-flops...

And now they’re standing on the Halifax waterfront buying a fleece with a lobster on it.

...

That’s not a vacation.

That’s a Canadian citizenship hazing.

...

You book a week in the Bahamas.

You end up in Halifax in October.

That’s like ordering a piña colada...

And being handed a double-double and a windbreaker.

...

Now, to be fair, Halifax is a beautiful city.

Lovely people.

Wonderful restaurants.

Fantastic scenery.

But if you’ve been dreaming about lying on a beach in the Caribbean...

A brisk walk along the Halifax waterfront is going to be a bit of an adjustment.

Especially when the cruise director says...

“Good news, everyone! We’ve arranged a special excursion to Peggy’s Cove!”

“Can we swim?”

“Not recommended.”

“Can we snorkel?”

“Also not recommended.”

“What CAN we do?”

“Look at a rock.”

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Though the enemy is unaware of their role as enemy.

And to be honest, they aren’t really enemies anyway. Just folk.

Oblivious folk.

I’m in Atlanta to support my Mom (you’ll see) and as is always the case the Americans around me have been friendly, courteous, gracious, and very welcoming.

That isn’t to say that I’m thinking of rebooting any Florida vacation plans.
Absolutely not.

As a Canadian, I’m still not over that feeling of betrayal that has been continuously whipped up by the current US administration like never ending bile-flavoured cotton candy.

Threaten, even jokingly, the sovereignty of my country and I can guarantee it’s going to take a while before I drop my guard around you.

Threats like those come across a bit… rapey.
Maybe that’s no coincidence given the current regime.

But make no mistake… the American people are nice. Goddamn nice.

I’m always fascinated at the culture when I’m in the states. More so recently.

There’s a disconnect between citizens and their government/politics.
Like they exist on separate planes.
Parallel universes even.
At the very least in a “not my brother’s keeper” manner.

The thought process seems to be “My government said that, I didn’t… so why would you be mad at me?”

America seems to me to be a collection of people that happen to be in the same room and there ends their connection.

It’s individualism gone to the extreme.
It’s anarchy with credit card debt.
It’s chaos with a Buy Now button masquerading as freedom.

That take may seem a bit extreme.
And it is.
It’s lovely down here and so are the people.

So lovely that it’s hard to make the connection between the people and their government.
I think it’s hard for them as well.
For many, it’s probably survival-level hard.

Canada used to be labelled as having no real identity.
That no longer seems to be the case.

The USA has lots of cultural identity… it just doesn’t match what’s being presented to the rest of the world.

I hope that changes for the better soon.

###

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The Weston family are buying UK drugstore chain Boots for around $12 billion.

The Westons, of course, already own Shoppers Drug Mart, Loblaws, and other retail giants here in Canada.

And now they’re hoping to bring that same level of consumer distrust to ol’ Blighty.

Of course, Boots is an iconic brand in the UK, but the Weston family may want to add their own spin on the brand by renaming it with a nod to its new Canadian ownership while still paying respect to its British roots.

Some suggested names include...

Shoppers Bruv Mart

and

Punters Drugs Innit

No word on whether PC products will make an appearance, but I can’t see President’s Choice Decadent Spotted Dick happening anytime soon...

At least until the current US administration has changed.

Speaking of...

In other news, the Parti Québécois has won the Quebec provincial election and stated, as part of its platform, that it will hold a referendum on whether Quebec should separate from Canada.

Which isn’t great news.

But they also said they wouldn’t hold a referendum to separate until US President Trump is gone...

And it’s not raining...

And Mercury isn’t in retrograde...

And once they’ve finished watching the new Traitors Canada.

Unless there’s a new season after that.

Then, I mean, who doesn’t want to see what Karine’s going to wear next??

...

But they’re totally going to do it after that.

Because they don’t need Canada!

C’est pas une phase, Maman!

All kidding aside...

I hope Quebec never leaves Canada.

Mainly because it freaks the Americans out.

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Canada may be joining the European Union.

Sort of.

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen proposed today that Canada become the EU’s first-ever associate member.

Nobody knows exactly what an associate member is yet...

because they’ve never had one.

It’s exciting, but it does also sound slightly made up.

But I mean, that doesn’t mean it’s not a real position.

I think it’s nice to give things fancy names.

Like how staff at Aritzia are called Style Advisors...

or how I call the staff at Tim Hortons...

Executive Donut Facilitators.

But it is great news and would apparently mean a much closer relationship with Europe on things like trade, defence, energy, technology, and supply chains.

And of course...

we even now get to compete in Eurovision.

Canada’s whole relationship with Europe lately feels like what happens after you finally get out of a bad relationship.

Your friends spend years saying...

“You know you deserve better, right?”

“No, no... America and I are good.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah!

They just put a 50 per cent tariff on me because they care.”

And then finally...

Canada decides...

maybe I should work on myself.

So we start exercising.

Meet some new people.

Diversify our trade.

Buy some new clothes.

Go to Europe.

And just like in the movies...

take the glasses off...

pull the hair out of the ponytail...

take off the toque...

And America suddenly realizes...

“Wait...

Canada’s hot?”

Yeah.

Canada’s always been hot.

And Canada is definitely in the middle of some kind of economic makeover montage right now.

This week, the government held the first Canada Investment Summit in Toronto...

bringing together major international investors controlling more than $100 trillion in assets.

The government says announcements and commitments surrounding the summit totalled nearly $500 billion.

One of the biggest announcements was Bell dramatically expanding its planned Saskatchewan AI data centre project...

to as much as $52.5 billion.

The largest capital investment in Saskatchewan history.

Fifty-two and a half...

billion dollars.

In Saskatchewan.

That’s enough money to buy almost everything in Regina.

And apparently the project could create thousands of jobs.

Although...

it is an AI data centre...

so sadly Elle from Elle’s Cafe will be replaced by an AI robot racing around Regina on a scooter...

“I have consulted 14 billion weather data points...

It is an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day here today in Regina, Saskatchewan!”

Ice cream falls off the cone.

ERROR.

DAIRY PAYLOAD LOST.

And then there was the photo.

Mark Carney.

Jean Chrétien.

And...

Stephen Harper.

All together for the Saskatchewan announcement.

It looked like somebody had accidentally selected...

“ALL FORMER PRIME MINISTERS”

on an Evite.

And Harper didn’t just show up.

He closed the summit and said Canada had “no choice” but to walk away from the recent U.S. trade negotiations...

and argued Canada needs to become less dependent on the United States.

Stephen Harper!

Harper showing up and agreeing with Mark Carney is like your Facebook uncle suddenly posting something that makes sense.

You’re staring at your phone going...

“I think Uncle Steve’s account has been hacked.”

And at the same summit...

Carney announced another pretty major change.

The government wants private investors to operate Canada’s four largest airports...

Toronto, Montréal, Calgary, and Vancouver...

through long-term concessions.

The government would still own the land and airport assets, but private operators could manage them.

Which sounds fine...

until you start imagining the worst possible investors.

“Welcome to Toronto Pearson International Airport...

brought to you by GateDash.

From the people who brought you DoorDash.”

Your flight is currently...

two minutes away.

...

Fifty-three minutes away.

...

Your pilot has another stop before yours.

Airbnb could take Vancouver.

“Welcome to YVR!

Before departing...

please strip the seats...

take the garbage to the curb...

wipe down Gate 32...

and load the dishwasher.”

“Also...

there’s a $275 cleaning fee.”

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Donald Trump has come up with a bold new plan to help Republicans win the midterms.

Bribery.

Just...

bribery.

You know, like in the good old days.

Trump told Republicans at their midterm convention in Dallas that if Republicans keep control of Congress...

every adult American will get...

$5,000.

Five grand.

He’s calling it the Trump Dividend.

Which sounds less like government policy...

and more like a Trump scratch ticket.

“Hey! I matched three tiny pink mushrooms... God, I hope those are mushrooms.”

...

And this isn’t Trump’s first venture into...

government cheque enthusiasm.

In 2025...

Do you remember that far back?

Simpler times.

In 2025, Trump enthusiastically backed the idea of taking savings supposedly found by Elon Musk’s DOGE...

and sending each household a cheque for...

$5,000.

Exciting...

I wonder what Americans spent theirs on?

An imaginary vacation?

Maybe an imaginary mortgage payment!

Yeah...

That $5K promise didn’t happen.

Then Trump proposed a $2,000 tariff dividend...

using money supposedly raised by his tariffs.

That didn’t happen either.

And now...

we’re back to...

$5,000!

And you know what?

I really think he’s telling the truth this time.

...

It all seems pretty close to the sort of thing you’re specifically not supposed to say during an election.

Usually politicians at least dress it up a little.

“We’re proposing a refundable middle-class tax credit designed to stimulate household spending.”

Trump’s like...

“Vote for us. Get a bag of money.”

...

The plan could cost somewhere around $1.3 trillion.

Which raises the obvious question...

Where does the $1.3 trillion come from?

And the answer so far appears to be...

...

Next question.

JD Vance suggested maybe rich people wouldn’t get the money...

and tariff revenue could help pay for it.

Sure.

And if that doesn’t work...

check between the couch cushions.

Actually...

please don’t.

We just got it Scotchgard-ed.

THE GREEN LANTERN PRESIDENT

In other news...

The White House has released an AI-generated video of Donald Trump...

as Green Lantern.

Yes.

The official White House.

Not Trump’s weird uncle’s Facebook page.

The White House.

The video shows Trump with the Green Lantern power ring...

using his superhero powers to build a border wall...

bring back American factories...

summon military equipment...

basically everything Green Lantern famously stood for.

...

I don’t remember that comic book.

“Green Lantern Issue #247...

Hal Jordan adjusts the tariff rate on imported aluminum.”

...

One person happy about Trump’s Green Lantern adaptation...

Ryan Reynolds.

Who’s probably quoted as saying...

“See? Mine wasn’t so bad now, was it?”

TRUMP’S HOCKEY ERA

Trump also went on a mad social media posting spree...

that included hockey-themed AI material involving Canada.

Because apparently Canada-U.S. diplomacy has now reached the...

NHL 27 create-a-player stage.

One image showed Trump dressed as an American hockey player...

standing over Prime Minister Mark Carney...

who’s lying on the ice...

while Trump calls him...

“Governor.”

...

Okay.

Someone’s excited about Season 2 of Heated Rivalry.

Mmmmh.

PIERRE POILIEVRE GOES TO AMERICA

Meanwhile...

Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre is in the United States...

appearing on American media...

trying to make the case for Canada.

Poilievre appeared on CNBC in New York Thursday...

arguing that Canada and the United States should return to tariff-free trade...

and work together against larger economic and security threats.

Which creates an interesting situation.

Because at home...

Poilievre’s job is basically to stand across from Mark Carney and say...

“THIS GUY.”

But the moment he crosses the border...

it’s...

“Mark?

Great guy.

We’re all very proud of Mark.”

...

And actually...

when CNBC gave Poilievre an opportunity to criticize Carney...

he declined.

He essentially said he wasn’t there to attack Canada’s prime minister on foreign soil.

And...

good.

That’s how it should work.

We can fight among ourselves.

But when somebody outside the family starts insulting Canada...

suddenly it’s...

“HEY.

Only we get to say Canada is dysfunctional.”

It’s the national equivalent of siblings.

“I hate my brother.”

“Your brother’s an idiot.”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY BROTHER?”

...

Poilievre’s message to Americans is essentially...

Look...

Canadians are pissed off.

He said Canadians feel wounded by what’s happened to the relationship.

And that’s probably fair.

For decades Canada thought we had one of the most stable relationships in the world.

Trade...

defence...

NORAD...

NATO...

shared history...

the world’s longest undefended border...

and then suddenly we’re watching an official White House video where the President is Green Lantern...

followed by AI hockey fantasy...

about beating up our prime minister.

...

So now Pierre Poilievre is effectively doing Canadian diplomacy.

Which is fine.

Gets him out of the country, you know?

I just hope it’s okay with Jamil Jivani.

...

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the Lake Ontario drama continues.

And honestly, the lake must be kinda flattered, right?

I don’t think I’ve heard as many people say the name “Lake Ontario” before this.

Real ego boost for Lake Ontario.

As you know, Trump renamed it Lake America by Executive Order…

which meant that U.S. government agencies had to refer to it as such.

Well…

sorry.

U.S. government agencies and Google…

who changed the name on Google Maps before Trump even put the executive order down on his desk.

Apple held out for a few days…

but has now bowed its head before Orange Palpatine…

and changed the name to Lake America on Apple Maps.

Now, Google’s slogan was initially:

“Don’t Be Evil.”

Then they changed it to:

“Do the right thing.”

They’ve chosen a new slogan which is a hybrid of the two.

Their new slogan is:

“Don’t be right. Do the evil thing.”

Not to be outdone…

Apple’s slogan was “Think Different.”

But they’re now changing it to:

“Think different… unless it makes Mr. Trump angry.”

Remember MapQuest?

They refused to rename Lake Ontario…

causing millions of people to say:

“Remember MapQuest?”

MapQuest is now the number one app download.

Which is wild.

Though there are concerns that the only reason they haven’t changed the name of Lake Ontario…

is that it’s been so long since people used MapQuest…

nobody on staff can remember how to edit the map.

Prime Minister Carney said that Canada would be willing to return to trade talks…

and told the U.S. to:

“Stop doing memes, stop throwing shade.”

I’ll be honest with you…

that is the least cool Carney has ever sounded.

Stop doing memes. Stop throwing shade.

Then somewhere in the background is Dominic LeBlanc yelling:

“NO CAP!”

Hearing Carney talk like that felt like listening to a grown-up talking to a child and…

ohhhh.

Now I get it!

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Donald Trump has renamed Lake Ontario.

Yep.

On Thursday, Trump signed an executive order directing the U.S. federal government to refer to Lake Ontario as...

Lake America.

Because apparently the trade negotiations collapsed and Trump thought...

“Where’s my Sharpie?”

For the record, Canada is still calling it Lake Ontario.

Because that’s its name.

And...

that’s not how geography works.

That’s how a toddler works.

“MY LAKE.”

No, Donald.

We’re sharing the lake.

“MY LAKE AMERICA.”

Okay, someone get him a Diet Coke.

Trump’s executive order only changes what the U.S. federal government calls it.

So technically...

America has given Lake Ontario a nickname that only some people will use.

Trump previously renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America...

and after signing this order, he actually suggested he might rename the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean next.

Donald...

you know the Sharpies aren’t magic, right?

You can’t just write a different name on something...

The weird thing is...

Lake Ontario isn’t even American or Canadian.

It’s shared.

It’s been there considerably longer than either country.

As Prime Minister Carney stated, it’s named after a Wendat word essentially meaning:

“The lake is beautiful. The lake is big.”

Apparently Trump’s theory is...

if you can’t control something...

rename it until it sounds like you do.

And if you’re wondering whether Donald Trump has the credibility to just start changing the names of geographic features...

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick has reassuring news.

Lutnick told reporters Thursday that Donald Trump is...

and this is the phrase he used...

the “most credible person in the world.”

...

Howard.

You have access to a dictionary.

You’re the Commerce Secretary.

There must be one somewhere in the building.

“Credible” means...

able to be believed.

“The most credible person in the world.”

That’s a pretty big title.

These guys don’t compliment Trump anymore.

They issue papal decrees.

“Donald Trump... most credible man alive.”

“Greatest golfer in human history.”

“Softest hands in the Western Hemisphere.”

At some point Lutnick is going to announce that Trump is...

Time Magazine’s Sexiest Man Ever To Understand Tariffs.

Maybe Lutnick has an entire list.

“Donald Trump is the most credible person in the world...

Bernie Madoff is the world’s greatest financial planner...

the captain of the Titanic was history’s finest iceberg avoider...”

Some compliments actually become less flattering depending on who’s giving them.

If your dentist says...

“You have beautiful teeth.”

Great.

If your hockey coach says...

“You have beautiful teeth.”

The bar is lower, you know?

It’s comparative.

Meanwhile...

Donald Trump may have accidentally accomplished something Canadian prime ministers have struggled with for decades.

He’s making Quebec want to stay.

Donald Trump has somehow become the federal government’s most successful national unity strategy.

Ottawa spent decades trying constitutional negotiations, federalism, referendums, Meech Lake...

turns out all we needed was an unstable American president shouting over the fence.

Parti Québécois leader Paul St-Pierre Plamondon says that if the PQ wins Quebec’s election, it will not hold a sovereignty referendum while Trump remains president.

The PQ still intends to hold one during its first term...

just not before Trump leaves office in January 2029.

St-Pierre Plamondon says something as important as Quebec’s future needs a clear, calm debate without the unpredictability coming from Washington.

Which is fascinating.

It’s like being a teenager planning to run away from home...

then noticing the neighbourhood bully standing at the end of the driveway.

“You know what?

Mom...

what’s for dinner?”

Trump spent years talking about making Canada the 51st state...

and somehow managed to make Quebec go...

“Vive le Canada... pour le moment.”

And Canadians aren’t just protesting politically.

We’re doing it in the most Canadian way imaginable...

quietly at the grocery store.

An Angus Reid survey found 40 per cent of Canadian grocery shoppers now actively check where products come from.

And among those who check...

most say they’ll put an American product back on the shelf and choose something Canadian or from somewhere else instead.

That is an incredibly Canadian form of economic warfare.

No shouting.

No confrontation.

Just...

“Oh.

Made in USA?”

Back you go.

It’s passive-aggressive sanctions.

Some poor jar of American mayonnaise is sitting there thinking...

“What did I do?”

Nothing personally, mayonnaise.

We’ve just decided to see other condiments...

European condiments.

And this behaviour isn’t necessarily disappearing if the trade dispute ends.

The same survey found:

• 60 per cent say they would avoid American wine, beer and spirits

• 70 per cent would avoid American dairy

• 73 per cent would avoid American eggs

Seventy-three per cent!

Sorry, chickens.

Take it up with your president.

Canadians are practicing international diplomacy in the aisles of No Frills.

Because that’s the part Trump may have underestimated.

Trump seems to think trade is something you win by making the other country lose.

But if your biggest customer spends a year learning how not to buy from you...

congratulations.

You won.

...

That’s the strange thing about all of this.

Trump can rename the lake.

Lutnick can rename Trump “the most credible man in the world.”

Trump can call Canada whatever he likes.

But Canadians are quietly making their own decision about what America means to them.

And you can’t Sharpie your way out of that.

Although I’m sure he’ll try.

“Effective immediately...

Giant Tiger will be called Yuge Cat.”

...

To paraphrase Ontario Premier Doug Ford...

Kiss my Canada goose.

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We don’t have a deal!

Canada-U.S. trade talks collapsed over the weekend, with Prime Minister Carney saying the U.S. asked for too much and offered too little.

I’m not sure, but…

I think I remember Stormy Daniels saying something similar.

The trade talks apparently fell apart when Howard Lutnick…

…

I didn’t even need to make the joke about his name.

You did that all by yourself.

…

Apparently, Lutnick at the last minute pushed for the tariff reduction on the Canadian auto industry to apply only to light vehicles, and not heavier vehicles like trucks.

This would have effectively wiped out the factories that build F-150s and similar trucks here in Canada.

Unacceptable, obviously.

Canada’s trade team balked at the suggestion…

and then warned the Americans that if they planned on trying to kick Canada in the truck nuts, they’d best be wearing steel-toe boots.

… CLANG.

There were lots of other reasons Canada walked away from the negotiating table.

Including the fact that the U.S. wanted to include a snapback provision.

Which meant the U.S. could, at any point, revert to 50% tariffs against Canada… even after a deal was signed by both sides.

That’s crazy.

That’s like selling someone an exercise bike on Facebook Marketplace…

agreeing on the price…

and then six months later the buyer demanding you ask for 50% more…

and then complaining the price is too high.

It makes no sense.

In response to the trade deal imploding, Trump said on Truth Social:

“Canada wants the benefits of being a state… without being one.”

Well, let’s see…

No crushing medical debt.

Less gun violence.

A leader who speaks in complete sentences…

AND in two languages?

I guess Trump’s right!

Oui… c’est vrai.

We don’t want to be a state!

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And thank you for joining us.

It is my duty, as Minister of Keepin’ It Real, to provide a response to the collapse of trade deal talks between Canada and the United Snakes...

Pardonnez-moi...

States.

We are obviously disappointed...

that we had to negotiate a deal...

that already exists...

and was signed by the U.S. President.

But then we remembered that any deal with the United States currently is signed...

in ketchup.

Though we were close to agreeing on a new deal, the U.S. at the last minute asked us to abandon French-language and cultural protections.

And we were like...

Tabarnak!

Do you know how hard it is to keep Quebecers happy as it is?

Pas de deal, Donny.

Non merci.

The U.S. also wanted Canada to get its permission before making certain deals with other countries.

Are we making a trade deal...

or dating in Grade 9?

Get a grip.

But keep your hands off our beaver, eh?

Canada may be polite.

Canada may be nice.

But be warned...

Canada is currently running at a f***s deficit.

Thank you.

No questions.

###

August 20, 2026

Well, Canada and the United States may finally have a trade deal.

Maybe.

Donald Trump announced this week that he was pausing his threatened 50 per cent tariffs on Canadian goods for three days because...

we have a deal!

Great!

What’s in it?

Nobody knows yet.

But Trump did post an AI-generated image of himself seemingly ripping a piece of the Keystone pipeline out of a grave...

so we’ve... got that.

Trump says it’s a very fair deal...

while Canadian officials say significant progress has been made, but there’s still work to do.

So...

we have a deal...

we just haven’t finished making the deal.

It’s like announcing your wedding... while you’re proposing... before waiting for the answer.

“Will you marry me?... HEY EVERYONE, WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!”

“Mark, I said I’d think about it.”

One thing that does appear to be part of all this...

American booze may be coming back to Canadian liquor store shelves.

Prime Minister Mark Carney has reportedly asked provinces to consider stocking U.S. alcohol again after many of them pulled it in retaliation for Trump’s tariffs.

Some provinces are still cautious about putting American products back on shelves.

Which makes sense.

Because Canadians spent the past year or so discovering just how great Canadian wine and spirits can be.

Canadians have become fiercely loyal to Canadian booze.

Unless Jack Daniels rebrands as Jacques Danielle, we may never go back.

Harry and Meghan Are Heading Back

Meanwhile, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly moving back to the UK with their children.

Which is quite the journey.

They left Britain...

briefly lived in Canada...

moved to California...

and now they’re going back to Britain.

So apparently Canada was just the airport lounge in their escape from the Royal Family.

“Would you like to stay?”

“No thank you, one is just connecting through Vancouver.”

Of course, Prince Harry has expressed his desire to live a normal life for him and his family.

Abandoning all the glamour and luxury of being a royal.

However, they reportedly plan to keep their homes in California and Portugal as well.

Gosh, they really are just like us.

From Car Salesman to Prince

And speaking of unexpected royalty...

a 26-year-old Belgian former car salesman named Clément Vandenkerckhove has officially become a prince.

Clément spent years surrounded by rumours that his father was Prince Laurent of Belgium.

His mother eventually told him it was true, a DNA test reportedly confirmed it, Prince Laurent publicly acknowledged him last year...

and now he’s formally registered him as his son.

Which means Clément is officially royalty.

He was a car salesman.

Imagine going back to your old dealership.

“Remember when you wouldn’t give me Saturday off, Gary?”

“Yeah.”

“Guards... seize his Hyundai.”

He gets the title Prince of Belgium and inheritance rights...

but no royal allowance, no royal duties and no place in the succession.

So...

Prince Lite.

Same great aristocracy...

zero calories.

The CNE Has Chosen Violence

And finally...

the CNE opens in Toronto tomorrow...

which means it’s once again time for Canadian chefs to ask the annual question:

What if food was a threat?

Among this year’s offerings...

a Kraft Dinner smoothie...

pickle-flavoured coffee...

a pickle cheesecake pop...

Brie cheese deep-fried Oreos...

and a Korean fried chicken ramen taco topped with cotton candy aioli.

Canada has strict food safety regulations...

but apparently no food idea regulations.

A KD smoothie.

There are some things Canadians make that we should proudly share with the world.

Insulin.

The Canadarm.

Basketball.

Kraft Dinner blended into a beverage...

that one should stay here.

And that’s the news from Canada...

where we may have a trade deal with America...

Harry and Meghan are moving back to Britain...

a car salesman became a prince...

and Toronto is drinking macaroni.

Everything’s fine.

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August 6, 2026

Well, Donald Trump appeared in Las Vegas this week...

and people immediately noticed something different about him.

He was speaking in complete sentences...

Nah, just kidding.

No, he wasn’t dressed like Elvis...

Oh wait, he actually was in one of his AI posts on Truth Social.

His hair.

It was... fuller.

A lot fuller.

So full that people online immediately started wondering if Trump was wearing a wig.

I want to be clear, I’m not wig-shaming here.

Wigs can be great. Lots of cool people wear wigs.

And if they’re cool, nice, and not actively trying to destroy democracy...

we don’t make fun of those people.

Otherwise...

It’s a simple rule.

Now, to be clear, nobody has confirmed that it’s a wig.

It could be his real hair.

It could be extensions.

“I got a weave.”

It could be East Wing Ballroom renovations...

Maybe it’s a personal bomb shelter.

“Sir, there’s a serious threat. We need to get you to your Situation Bangs!”

...

Trump introducing a suspiciously full head of hair at 80 is a bold move.

Which you can admire him for. You know, he went and found someone to fix his hair...

but word is he hired the same people that worked on the Reflecting Pool.

During that same speech, Trump turned his attention to Canada...

and said...

“Canada’s nasty. They’re nasty.”

Canada.

Nasty.

Sir...

our national scandals involve making sure DoorDash menus are bilingual.

Calling Canadians nasty is particularly strange because Trump’s complaint is essentially that we’re not buying enough American stuff anymore.

That’s not nasty.

That’s shopping.

We aren’t storming the border.

We’re standing in Canadian Tire squinting at the label going...

“Where was this toaster made?”

Because Canadians aren’t nasty.

We’re passive-aggressive.

There’s a difference.

Nasty is yelling at your neighbour.

Canadian nasty is saying...

“Interesting place to put your garbage bins.”

Which will destroy them emotionally for six months.

Meanwhile, in slightly more concerning Canadian news...

a Canadian intern working at NATO’s military headquarters in Belgium has been arrested on suspicion of espionage.

Belgian prosecutors say the intern is suspected of spying for a third country and participating in a criminal organization.

She’s currently in custody, and officials have not publicly identified which country she’s accused of spying for.

First of all...

a spy intern?

I didn’t realize espionage had internships.

What was the job listing?

“Exciting entry-level opportunity in international intelligence.
Must be proficient in Excel...
PowerPoint...
and pretending you weren’t looking at that.”

Imagine being the other interns.

You’re spending your summer updating NATO’s SharePoint...

and Jennifer is apparently bringing down the Western alliance.

The Canadian government says the allegations are serious and it wants to make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again.

That’s probably a good goal.

Maybe next year’s NATO internship application could include...

“Are you currently spying for another country?”

Just put a little checkbox.

You’d be surprised what people admit to on paperwork.

And finally...

Nova Scotia has welcomed an extremely rare two-coloured lobster named Oscar.

Oscar is split almost perfectly down the middle...

one colour on one side...

another colour on the other...

and the odds of finding a lobster like this are estimated at around one in 50 million.

One in 50 million.

The odds of winning the Lotto Max are better.

Do you know how many regular lobsters you could buy if you won the lottery?

Oscar was saved from becoming somebody’s dinner and is now living at an aquarium.

Which must be an incredible adjustment for a lobster.

One minute you’re facing melted butter...

the next minute you’re an influencer.

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President...
golf course owner...
and now...

lawn-care influencer.

Trump gave what sounded remarkably like an ad read for Scotts Miracle-Gro from the Oval Office this week, praising the company after it replaced the White House South Lawn for “free.”

He actually praised their “great grass.” (I think he was misheard.)

This is the President of the United States.

Doing a lawn-care ad from the Oval Office.

At this point, I’m surprised he didn’t finish with...

“Use promo code GRAB’EM BY THE GRASS for 20% off.”

Trump also announced that he has won yet another golf championship...

at his own golf club.

Trump won the senior division at Trump National Bedminster.

Amazing.

He owns the golf course...
hosts the tournament...
plays in the tournament...

and somehow...

wins the tournament.

To be fair, Trump did shoot an impressive two strokes Kim Jong Un-der par 70.

Trump says people question his golf victories because they’re jealous of his talent.

Personally, I’m not questioning his talent.

Even if some people find it odd that he’s always number one on the Dear Leader Board.

Meanwhile in Canada...

the WestJet flight attendants’ strike is over.

The airline and the union representing 4,400 flight attendants reached a tentative agreement after a weekend of major travel disruption.

More than 900 flights were cancelled, affecting roughly a quarter-million passengers.

The big issue for flight attendants was compensation for more of the time they’re actually working, including time spent on the ground.

Which seems reasonable.

If you’re wearing the uniform...
dealing with passengers...
and standing inside an airplane...

you’re probably at work.

Nobody has ever looked at a flight attendant helping 180 people shove oversized suitcases into tiny overhead bins and thought...

“Look at her enjoying her free time.”

Meanwhile, staffing shortages mean the U.S. National Weather Service is launching fewer weather balloons.

The balloons collect information used to forecast temperature, humidity and wind.

Though, to be fair...

they’ve determined most of the hot air is coming from the White House.

Prime Minister Mark Carney says Canada will not use energy exports as a bargaining chip in trade negotiations with Donald Trump.

Carney says Canada needs to remain a reliable energy supplier because being trustworthy has value.

Which is very Canadian.

Canada supplies the United States with enormous amounts of oil, natural gas and electricity.

So energy would obviously be a significant bargaining chip.

But Carney says reliability matters.

I get it.

It’s a bit like making sure your mom packed the kind of snacks your bully likes...

so you can be reliably bullied...

because you know things would just get worse if you don’t hand over the chocolate chip granola bars.

The trick is to only give him the store-brand ones.

Mmmm... chocolatey cardboard.

And finally...

Donald Trump says he has decided how he will punish Canada...

for allowing wildfire smoke to drift into the United States.

A reporter asked Trump if he had decided on a punishment.

Trump said...

“I have, yeah.”

“You’ll find out about it soon.”

Ooooooooh.

“You’ll find out about it soon.”

I’m guessing it’ll be coming in about two weeks.

Gosh, “two weeks” from now is going to be very busy...

what with Trump announcing Canada’s punishment...

his healthcare plan...

his infrastructure plan...

So much stuff is happening in two weeks, I’m starting to think “two weeks” isn’t a period of time.

It’s where Trump stores things that don’t exist.

At first, every new Trump threat made Canada flinch.

Tariffs?

Annexation?

The 51st state?

We all went...

“Oh my God...

what is he going to do?”

Now he says...

“You’ll find out about it soon.”

And Canada goes...

“Okay, Orange Grandpa... we’ll circle back in two weeks.”

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Well, Canadians spent part of this week arguing about whether some people should get more votes than others.

Which is an unusual debate to have in a democracy.

Shopify CEO Tobi Lütke sparked controversy after suggesting people with more at stake financially should have greater influence over elections.

More at stake financially?

That’s certainly one way to say, “I’ve never flown economy.”

He was voicing support for a social media post by TD Bank executive Eric Thor, who proposed a system of “weighted voting” based on the amount of income tax you pay...

From zero votes if you pay no income tax...

To five votes if you pay more than $500,000.

Lütke replied:

“Good system.”

“Good system”?

Yeesh.

Lütke then went on to say people drawing a pension should get no vote at all.

He said they were essentially dependents...

Like children...

And should let those with a stake in the future make the decisions.

Those with a stake in the future...

Also describes children.

But hey...

Why let common sense ruin a “let them eat cake” moment?

Although, seeing as we’re in Canada...

I guess it’s...

“Let them eat Timbits.”

The whole point of democracy is that everybody gets one vote.

The billionaire.

The plumber.

The nurse.

The guy who still insists Tim Hortons coffee changed because of Justin Trudeau.

One vote each.

If wealth determined voting power...

Canadians wouldn’t be electing Members of Parliament.

We’d just wait to see what Galen Weston posted on LinkedIn.

“Oh look, honey...

President’s Choice Decadent Democracy is on sale this week!”

And where does it stop?

Does your RRSP unlock bonus ballots?

“Congratulations...

You’ve reached Gold Democracy Status.”

Of course, wealthy people already have influence.

They can hire lobbyists.

Buy media companies.

Fund political campaigns.

The one thing they aren’t supposed to be able to buy...

Is more democracy.

There is no Premium Democracy.

No Democracy Plus.

This whole thing has been weirdly reassuring.

Because it reminds us...

Rich people are just as dumb as poor people.

They just have more money.

Fauci Takes the Fifth

Meanwhile, in the U.S....

Dr. Anthony Fauci is now facing legal action over his handling of the pandemic.

Only America could live through a global pandemic...

And decide the real villain was...

The infectious disease doctor.

This is the infectious disease doctor who served under seven presidents...

Helped guide America through the HIV crisis...

Is respected around the world...

But apparently decided to throw away an entire career...

Create COVID...

Cover it up...

Just for a laugh.

Fauci, in an effort to avoid perjury entrapment, is pleading the Fifth.

Essentially refusing to answer any questions.

Which, at first, sounds a little suspicious...

Until you compare it to what you’d do...

If Rand Paul tried to start a conversation with you in a bar.

It’s American exceptionalism at its finest.

As though the rest of the world...

Wasn’t also there.

Sure, Canada certainly has its own healthcare problems.

Emergency rooms are overcrowded.

Finding a family doctor can feel like trying to buy the winning Lotto Max ticket.

But at least when Canadians can’t find a doctor...

We don’t immediately assume it’s because doctors are secretly working for Big Stethoscope.

...Yet.

One of the strange side effects of turning healthcare into a business...

Is eventually people start wondering whether every decision is being made for medical reasons...

Or financial ones.

Trust starts disappearing.

And once people stop trusting doctors...

They start trusting people who begin sentences with:

“Now, I’m not an expert, but...”

Which is usually followed by something that confirms that.

High-Confidence Rail

Back here in Canada...

The federal government announced another $1.9 billion investment in VIA Rail.

Finally.

Canada is made for train travel.

Vast lands.

Wild weather.

People always say:

“We need high-speed rail.”

We do.

But let’s be honest.

At this point I’d settle for...

High-confidence rail.

Just a train that arrives approximately when the train says it’ll arrive.

Still...

It’s nice to see Canada investing in infrastructure.

Especially passenger rail.

Because every developed country eventually reaches the same conclusion.

Moving thousands of people...

One person per car at a time...

Might not be the most efficient long-term strategy.

Of course, there were critics.

“$1.9 billion for trains?”

It should be noted, though...

None of those critics were sitting in stop-and-go traffic on the 401.

Doug Ford Punches Snoopy

And finally...

Ontario Premier Doug Ford says he’s pulling provincial support for the Alto high-speed rail project...

After the federal government refused to approve an expansion of Toronto’s Billy Bishop Airport.

Which feels a little...

Petulant.

It’s like a kid whose dad won’t buy him a third funnel cake at Canada’s Wonderland...

So he punches Snoopy.

Now security’s involved...

The whole family’s being escorted to the parking lot...

Grandma never got on the Leviathan...

Little sister’s crying...

And Dad’s wondering how a $300 family outing ended...

With an assault charge.

That’s basically what’s happening here.

The federal government says no to expanding one airport...

So Ontario’s response is:

“Fine.
Then nobody gets a high-speed train.”

That’s not transportation policy.

That’s a baby throwing his bottle out of the buggy.

Ontario is home to nearly 17 million people.

It probably shouldn’t lose a major transportation project because two levels of government are having a disagreement.

Maybe...

And I’m just spitballing here...

If we’re serious about transportation in Ontario...

Premier Ford should try taking the UP Express.

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The signs will warn visitors that some exhibits contain what the Trump administration calls “inaccurate information” and direct them toward alternative sources of American history.

Because apparently the Smithsonian is no longer a museum...

it’s a disputed Wikipedia page.

I’ve been to the National Museum of American History a few times, and it is fantastic.

They have everything from George Washington’s iconic blue uniform...

to the Greensboro Woolworth’s lunch counter where four courageous young Black men staged a peaceful sit-in against segregation.

Or, as Trump’s sign will probably describe it:

“Popular vintage diner.

Known for its grilled cheese.

No additional context required.”

Thankfully, Trump can’t directly control the Smithsonian’s exhibits because it operates independently...

so he’s putting signs on the sidewalks outside.

Maybe that would be okay if the signs just said:

“Warning: This museum may contain history.

Side effects may include context, reflection...

and an increased ability to recognize fascism.”

But no, you know they’re going to read like Trump Yelp reviews:

“Terrible museum.

Too much history.

Very unfair to several presidents.

Staff refused to add me to the moon landing.”

The White House says the museum’s current leadership can’t be trusted to tell America’s story with sufficient “honesty and gratitude.”

Gratitude!

Apparently history should be grateful.

“Well, yes, some terrible things happened...

but did anyone remember to say thank you?”

Trump doesn’t want a museum.

He wants America’s refrigerator door:

A few flattering photographs...

a report card with all the bad grades hidden...

and a drawing of Daddy as the tallest person in the world.

—

Trump also attended the White House Correspondents’ Dinner for the first time as president.

The dinner is traditionally an opportunity for the president and journalists to poke fun at one another.

Trump used it as an opportunity to deliver personal insults, complain about the media and attack CNN journalist Kaitlan Collins.

So he really entered into the playful spirit of the evening...

the way a bear enters into the playful spirit of a campsite.

He also made jokes about Dylan Mulvaney’s Bud Light ad.

From 2023.

That one.

Three years later, the president of the United States is still furious about one trans woman drinking one beer.

Imagine having access to the nuclear codes...

and your emotional support grievance is an old Bud Light commercial.

Nothing says “I’m the most powerful man in the world”...

like using a nationally televised speech to complain that somebody you don’t know enjoyed a light beer incorrectly.

Dylan Mulvaney’s only crime was drinking Bud Light.

Which should have been punishment enough.

Many of Trump’s jokes reportedly received an awkward response.

He eventually started blaming the speechwriters.

That’s a strong move.

Nothing makes a comedy audience relax like the most powerful man in the world identifying the people responsible.

“I didn’t write these jokes.

Several young staff members did.

Their names, photographs and home addresses will be available after dessert.”

Trump also mocked Kaitlan Collins shortly after she received an award for journalism under deadline pressure.

He complained that Collins doesn’t smile enough.

This from a man whose official portrait looks like he’s starring in a dinner-theatre production of The Wrath of Khan.

“From hell’s heart...

I tariff thee.”

The whole event was supposed to celebrate press freedom.

And Trump did say that he supports a free press.

Very generous.

The press is free...

to report exactly what he wants...

—

Meanwhile, Toronto police are investigating after a shot was fired at the United States Consulate in downtown Toronto early Monday morning.

Police found a shell casing and damage to the front of the building.

Thankfully, no one was injured.

It is the second shooting at the consulate this year, and police say the motive remains under investigation.

This is obviously disturbing and completely unacceptable.

Police have not said whether this incident is connected to the previous shooting.

And until investigators determine what happened, nobody should speculate.

Fortunately...

we are a late-night comedy show.

Speculation is literally the fourth step in our formula.

Still, it is becoming increasingly difficult to tell whether something involving the American government is an isolated incident...

a political statement...

or the opening scene of a Netflix documentary.

Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow called it a brazen attack.

It certainly was.

The American Consulate is one of the most heavily secured buildings in downtown Toronto.

It’s essentially a concrete bunker surrounded by traffic...

which also describes most of downtown Toronto.

The good news is that no one was hurt.

The bad news is that Trump may now send over one of his Smithsonian signs:

“Caution: Canada may contain trace amounts of America.”

—

Finally, the federal government says it will not support plans to expand Billy Bishop Airport on Toronto Island.

More than 87,000 responses were submitted during the federal consultation, with a majority opposing changes amid concerns about noise and the waterfront.

The Ford government has been pushing to lengthen the runway so the airport can accommodate larger jets.

Ottawa has now said no.

After watching Doug Ford pressure Olivia Chow into supporting the expansion like a big brother bullying his little sister...

it was pretty satisfying to see the federal government come in and ground him.

“No bigger airplanes for you, young man.

And don’t make us turn this province around.”

Of course, Billy Bishop Airport is incredibly convenient.

You can leave downtown Toronto...

walk through a tunnel...

get on a plane...

and within minutes arrive in another city where you can complain about Toronto.

The concern is that an expanded runway would allow bigger planes and more traffic.

And people living near the waterfront don’t want additional aircraft noise.

Which is understandable.

They already live beside the Gardiner Expressway, construction, concerts, boats…

Actually, would anyone even hear the jets?

“Did a Boeing 737 just take off?”

“I don’t know. The Beaches are doing sound check.”

Ontario insists it is not giving up on the expansion.

Of course it isn’t.

Doug Ford approaches infrastructure proposals the same way a golden retriever approaches a closed patio door:

He may not understand the obstacle...

but he remains absolutely convinced momentum will solve it.

And that’s the difference between Canada and the United States right now.

America is putting warning signs outside museums because the government doesn’t like what’s inside.

Canada is preventing larger planes from landing at a downtown airport because 87,000 people filled out a survey.

One country is trying to rewrite history.

The other is checking the suggestion box.

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To be clear, the bridge itself is still opening.

We’re just not having a party anymore.

Which may be the most Canadian response to an international crisis imaginable:

“We’ve completed one of the largest infrastructure projects in North America...

…but due to recent tensions, we’ve cancelled the BeaverTails truck.”

The joint Canadian-American ceremony was called off after Donald Trump announced an additional 50% tariff on many Canadian goods.

Apparently, Canada decided it would be inappropriate to celebrate a bridge connecting our two countries...

while one of those countries is actively trying to burn the bridge.

The Gordie Howe Bridge is still scheduled to open to traffic on July 27.

So Canadians will still be allowed to cross into America...

provided we declare all dairy products, alcohol...

and any lingering feelings of friendship and trust.

Intensifying the Relationship

Prime Minister Mark Carney says he and President Trump have now agreed to “intensify” trade negotiations.

Intensify.

That doesn’t sound reassuring.

You intensify a workout.

You intensify a search.

You intensify the flavour of Cool Ranch Doritos.

You don’t usually intensify a healthy relationship.

Nobody comes home from couples counselling and says:

“Oh honey, I’m so glad we’ve agreed to intensify.”

What does intensified trade negotiation even look like?

Are they negotiating while doing squats?

Does Dominic LeBlanc have to argue about softwood lumber while someone sprays him with a hose?

Canadian officials have spent months calmly presenting statistics, trade figures and sections of the existing agreement...

so presumably the next step is putting everything in ALL CAPS:

“AS PREVIOUSLY DISCUSSED, YOU SIGNED THIS.”

Carney said Canada would continue negotiating but would consider all options if the tariffs go ahead.

All options.

That’s diplomatic language for:

“We have a plan, but I swear to God, we’ll send Doug Ford and Danielle Smith to Mar-a-Lago just to hang out.”

Trump’s approach to trade negotiations is fascinating.

He signs a trade agreement...

complains that the agreement he signed is unfair...

imposes tariffs that violate the spirit of the agreement...

then demands a new agreement to protect America from the previous agreement...

which, once again, he signed.

At this point, Canada shouldn’t negotiate another trade deal.

We should just get Trump to sign a birthday card.

He’s good at that.

It’ll be just as legally binding...

and there’s a chance we’ll get twenty bucks.

Trump says Canada needs the United States to survive.

And he may have a point.

Without the United States, who would Canada sell all its lumber, aluminum and energy to?

Someone who pays the agreed price?

We’re not prepared for that kind of relationship.

Canada Discovers Shipping

Meanwhile, Canadian premiers have finally agreed to remove a major barrier to direct-to-consumer alcohol sales between provinces.

Nine provinces have agreed to let Canadians order Canadian alcohol directly from producers in other provinces.

That’s right.

After nearly 160 years of Confederation...

Canada has finally discovered shipping.

Until now, it could be easier for a Canadian winery to send a bottle to another country than to send it across a provincial border.

Because nothing says “one united nation” like:

“Sorry, your Pinot Noir doesn’t have the proper Saskatchewan paperwork.”

Premiers say removing the barriers will improve internal Canadian trade.

Which means Donald Trump’s tariffs have finally convinced the provinces to work together.

So congratulations to the president.

He has achieved what generations of Canadian prime ministers could not...

getting Alberta and British Columbia to share a drink.

Pearson’s $1.5-Billion Escape Room

And finally, Toronto Pearson Airport has announced a $1.5-billion renovation of Terminals 1 and 3.

The airport says the work will modernize the terminals, create more space and make Pearson easier to navigate.

Easier to navigate?

That’s ambitious.

Pearson isn’t an airport.

It’s an escape room where the final clue is your gate number...

and if it changes, they’ll tell you at some point.

The renovations will include expanded terminal space, refreshed lounges, more charging stations and improvements to baggage handling.

More charging stations will be helpful.

Though it does diminish the prestige of sitting on the floor beside one of those columns with the loose outlet.

Pearson says it wants to improve the passenger experience.

Although you’ll still have to determine which of the two simultaneous gate announcements is for you...

and where exactly are these “travelling animals” they keep talking about?

Are we talking about a poodle with a suitcase on a business trip?

Or a group of cats heading to an all-inclusive?

The renovations will apparently make the terminals more modern, comfortable and efficient.

Pearson also plans to improve its baggage systems.

That’s good news.

Currently, checking a suitcase at Pearson feels less like transportation...

and more like releasing an animal into the wild.

You attach a tag, say goodbye...

and hope someone spots it in Manitoba three months later.

Airport officials say the upgrades will allow Pearson to handle more passengers.

Fantastic.

Because the only thing missing from Pearson was...

more people.

And you just know the renovations themselves will make travelling through Pearson easier.

Nothing improves an airport experience like years of construction.

“Welcome to Toronto. Baggage claim is temporarily located in Barrie.”

Still, it’s nice to see Canada investing in infrastructure that connects us with the rest of the world.

Canada is removing barriers everywhere.

Meanwhile, the United States is adding tariffs.

Which means the Canada–U.S. relationship can now be summarized like this:

We built them a bridge...

cancelled the party...

ordered ourselves some wine...

and started looking for flights elsewhere.

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So, let’s get this straight.

Trump disregarded his own trade agreement with us...

CUSMA... a trade deal for CUSMA.

He levelled some goofy tariffs at us.

He threatened to make Canada the 51st state.

So, we stopped buying American booze...

And suddenly that’s a bridge too far?

Bridge joke intended.

Remember when Trump honked, “We don’t need anything from Canada”?

Well, Mr. President, you forgot one important thing you apparently do need...

Functioning Canadian alcoholics.

I love that bourbon is apparently the breaking point.

The United States has spent months suggesting Canada is weak, subsidized by America and should become the 51st state...

But now they’re furious because we won’t stock Kentucky’s pumpkin-spice whiskey.

Of course, this is all part of Trump’s attempt to get “a better deal” for the United States.

It’s a fascinating negotiation strategy.

“Join America!”

“No, thanks.”

“Fine... then we’re going to pay more for your wine, hockey sticks, cement and a wide variety of other goods.”

That’s less international diplomacy...

And more Facebook Marketplace.

The tariffs will not apply to oil or gas because...

Of course they won’t.

Speaking of not taking “no” for an answer...

Did you see Donald Trump manage to insert himself into Spain’s World Cup celebrations?

He lingered in the trophy-presentation photos long enough that Spain later released an edited version with him removed.

Even The Guardian photo credit read:

“Gianni Infantino carefully explains to Donald Trump that he is not part of the Spanish national team.”

It was like watching someone’s grandpa wander into the wedding photos.

“No, Grandpa... you’re not in the wedding party.”

Wild.

You know you’ve overstayed your welcome when an entire country Photoshops you out faster than an ex-boyfriend.

And finally...

Trump may have threatened to take over Canada...

But Americans had better sleep with one eye open.

Sleep Country Canada...

🎵why buy a mattress anywhere else🎵

...is buying the American mattress company Sleep Number and says it plans to expand into the United States.

This is how Canada invades.

Not with tanks...

But well-rested, with adjustable lumbar support.

America keeps threatening economic warfare...

Meanwhile, Canada quietly buys the bed it’s sleeping in.

That’s the most Canadian military strategy imaginable.

It’s our own version of liberating a country from a horrible regime.

We’ll win the hearts and minds of Americans...

And relieve their lower-back pain.

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While Politics Is Broken and Entertainment Is Broken take a well-earned break (both return in September), I’ve been hard (not that hard) at work putting together Late Night Canada. A fictitious late night talk show in… well, Canada.

People seem to be enjoying them elsewhere (about 80K people watched this one so far) so I thought why not share them here in both video and written form.

So here you go!

Late Night Canada Monologue - 17 July 2026

Well, much of Canada was covered in wildfire smoke this week.

Toronto briefly had some of the worst air quality in the world with the Air Quality Index hitting 11 in some locations.

You know things are bad when they start using the Spinal Tap scale.

The smoke was so thick, even vape shops had to shut their doors.

There are currently more than 850 wildfires burning across Canada, with more than 100 considered out of control.

Out of control?

So that means the 750 remaining wildfires are misnamed, no?

The smoke spread south into the United States, affecting more than 100 million Americans.

And some American politicians are furious with us.

Republicans in Michigan and Ohio accused Canada of failing to manage its forests and threatened sanctions.

Sanctions!

Trump immediately put a 25% tariff on the smoke.

American lawmakers say Canada needs to take responsibility for allowing the smoke to cross the border.

Which is interesting coming from a country whose emissions have been crossing our border for roughly a century.

Canada sends America smoke for a few weeks and suddenly they’re furious.

America has been sending Canada reality television, conspiracy theories and Kid Rock since the 1990s.

The noxious fumes emanating from the Oval Office for the past 10 years have caused lots of headaches here in Canada.

Did you see the terrifying video of the CN railworkers surrounded by flames?

One of them calmly radioed, “Y’all need to hurry up here. Like, seriously, we’re encased in flames now,”

How was that guy so calm??

It was like he was ordering from a Tim’s drive-thru…

“Yeah, I’ll get a Farmer’s Wrap, and a double double. If you can make it quick, I’m encased in flames… oh, almost forgot, and an Apple Fritter please”

Of course, this is a very serious issue and entire communities have suffered tremendous losses

However, there’s also the uncomfortable subject nobody wants to mention...

climate change.

Some politicians are insisting the solution is simply better forest management.

Which is comforting.

Because apparently the planet isn’t getting dangerously hotter...

Canada just forgot to rake Northern Ontario.

Maybe we should try their 2-step climate plan.

Step one: deny climate change.

Step two: complain when climate change reaches your house.

And despite some questionable decisions by various governments, Canada is taking climate action.

We’ve set ambitious emissions targets for 2030.

Which is good...

because at our current pace, by 2030 we’ll be able to cook dinner by holding it near Saskatchewan.

But there was some other environmental news in America this week.

A massive outbreak of cyclosporiasis has been linked to shredded lettuce served at Taco Bell locations in five states.

However more than 30 states have been affected

Leading Taco Bell to say “This one’s not all our fault”

Health officials say the parasite can cause severe diarrhea.

“Severe diarrhea” being the medical term.

“Explosive diarrhea” being the term that gets people to stop eating the lettuce.

Taco Bell has temporarily stopped using the lettuce.

“temporarily”??

Just stop.

But the good news is, Taco Bell is once again safe...

by Taco Bell standards.

The company is now serving its food without contaminated lettuce.

Just meat fired from a caulking gun directly into a tortilla shell.

And finally, a popular pair of wide-legged Zara trousers has gone viral because wearers say they keep tripping over them.

The trousers are now known online as the “Zara death pants.”

Death pants!

Remember when the worst thing clothing could do was make your bum look big?

Now your outfit is actively trying to end you.

The pants are apparently so long and flowing that the fabric becomes tangled around the wearer’s ankles.

Women say they have fallen down stairs, tripped in the street and been caught on escalators.

Which finally answers the question:

What would happen if you dressed like a curtain?

Zara has not announced a recall.

Fashion experts say wearers could solve the problem by having the trousers shortened.

Sure.

But then you just own regular pants.

You paid Zara $65 for the thrill of dressing like a Victorian ghost being sucked into an escalator.

Some people have suggested tying elastic bands around the ankles.

But then you end up with MC Hammer pants

The “death pants” are part of the return of extremely wide-legged trousers.

We finally escaped skinny jeans...

only to discover the alternative is being hunted by our own clothing.

Skinny jeans cut off your circulation.

Wide-legged pants throw you down a staircase.

There is apparently no safe way to cover a human leg.

At this point, the safest summer outfit is an N95 mask, no pants...

and absolutely no lettuce.

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Hilariously (to my arm, or God, or fate), it happened right in the middle of lots of work. The kind that really only becomes challenging when you don’t have two working arms.

It’s largely back working again.
It seems to have been a trapped nerve situation.
In my neck.
Caused by bad posture… caused by too much phone and laptop.
No severe pain, just an arm who’s Arm IQ (I just made that up) plummeted.

I certainly hope it continues its current trajectory of getting better.

I know there are lots of proverbs and parables and Joni Mitchell songs about not knowing what you’ve got until it’s gone but here’s one more…

Pause.
Briefly.
Think of all the things you can do, all the things you’re capable of doing, all the things you want to do, and then…

Do them.

Or at least ask yourself why you aren’t doing them.

Then do them.

There may come a day when you don’t get to choose to NOT do something.
There may come a day when your stupid arm just stops working.

(This was typed slowly, badly, but sufficiently using two arms. Both mine. )

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Happy Canada Day!

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